We’ve all been there—moments in your marriage where we react from a place of frustration, hurt, or confusion. It’s easy to fall into patterns where our communication becomes reactive, emotional, or defensive. But what if I told you that the key to changing this is not just about learning new communication techniques—but about transforming the way you respond from the inside out?
In the work I do with couples and individuals, I’ve seen time and time again that true transformation begins with an inner shift. If we want to communicate with kindness, vulnerability, and understanding, we have to first address the beliefs and emotions that drive our reactions.
#1. It All Starts with Self-Awareness
When you’re in the heat of a conversation, it’s easy to let your emotions dictate the response. But when you take a step back and become aware of what’s happening internally, you create space for a more thoughtful response. Self-awareness allows you to recognize your own triggers, fears, and insecurities before they take over the conversation.
Ask yourself: What’s really going on for me right now?
Maybe it’s not just the words your partner said, but an old fear of not being heard. Or maybe it’s an underlying worry that you’re not as important as other priorities in your partner’s life.
The truth is, without self-awareness, you’ll stay stuck in old patterns of communication that don’t serve your relationship. But when you understand why you feel the way you do, you’re already taking the first step toward healing.
#2. Emotional Regulation: The Right Energy Behind Your Words
Once you understand what's happening inside you, emotional regulation becomes the next key. It’s about learning how to feel your emotions without being controlled by them—and this is where many people get stuck.
Instead of reacting impulsively, you learn how to process your emotions mindfully. For example, you might feel frustrated when your partner isn’t listening, but instead of lashing out or withdrawing, you pause, breathe, and process what’s underneath that frustration. Maybe it’s a feeling of rejection, or maybe it’s just an unmet need for attention.
When you regulate your emotions in this way, you don’t suppress them—you honor them by giving yourself the space to understand them, which ultimately allows you to communicate in a way that is kind and clear.
#3. Remember What You Want: Stay Connected to Your Intentions
In the midst of a difficult conversation, it’s easy to forget why you’re having the conversation in the first place. When you feel frustrated or disconnected, you focus on winning and being right. It’s so easy to lose sight of what you truly want: to feel heard, understood, and close to the person you love.
When you feel yourself getting triggered, pause and remember your intentions. Remind yourself that the goal is not to win the argument but to create a deeper connection. This isn't just about getting your point across—it’s about nurturing the bond you share with your partner. It’s about remembering that you want to feel more connected, not more distant.
Ask yourself: What do I really want here?
Is it to be right, or is it to understand each other better? Is it to feel loved, or to feel like you’re on the same team?
When you remember what you truly want—to feel heard, understood, and emotionally connected—it shifts the energy of the conversation and re-centers both of you on what matters most.
It Flows from the Inside Out
Here’s the powerful thing: when you start to make these internal shifts—self-awareness, emotional regulation, and remembering your true intentions—you’ll notice that your external communication begins to change effortlessly.
You’ll find that:
You can express your feelings with vulnerability and honesty, without judging or shaming your partner.
You approach conflict with curiosity, understanding that your partner’s perspective is just as valid as your own.
You become more attuned to your partner’s needs, which opens the door for deeper empathy and connection.
And the good news is, it all starts with you. When you change the way you think about yourself, your partner, and your marriage, your communication naturally transforms. These are the principles that truly creates positive change that lasts.
Dr. Chavonne